i'm thinking about venting more to the open space that is the internet. although, no offense Internet, you are kind of an asshole. you're really critical and sometimes creepy.

but, you are somewhat comforting at three in the morning when i have some things to talk to you about.

(as a disclaimer, Internet, i am hardly articulate and a bum story teller.)

so, i have been doing a lot of lurking. i wouldn't say that i do it to make myself feel better about myself, but i think i honestly want to understand people that make themselves available to be understood. (although in most cases, i end up being snooty about it, which is not nice at all. but i doubt people don't do it to me) its just like an escape for me. i can delve into living the life of someone else for a while. i can read their thoughts or see their feelings on their faces through pictures. i can put pieces of their life together and make them a story. i can figure out why they are a better person than i am, or why i don't like them. maybe its just curiosity and envy and i'm just masking it with something that would make me seem like a more hip person. well anyway, tonight i was lurking this girl and it made me realize some things, and this might sound weird but i feel like i both am and am not who i am. like, in one way, i am this girl, robin, who is living a really great life and getting things done and following the path i am supposed to. but, in another way, i'm this girl, robin, who i haven't been for a while because she's weak, emotional, and makes crazy proclamations about things she will do that she never does and she is insecure but yet maybe more in tune with her emotions? maybe she's closer to God because of her emotional carousel going aroundandaround? i just don't get it. when i'm this other girl i somehow either am or believe i am in this closeness with God and i trytrytry to do all of these things that will make that relationship stronger and it leaves me a mess that is not easy to deal with (me or others). i also end up confused and questioning everything. on the other hand, the "normal" me is strong and confident. she knows emotion but they don't control her. she lives a steady life that is always progressing and getting better. yet i feel like maybe i am missing something? like the emotions and questions and mess somehow make me human and if i am absent from them then i am absent from myself? but i can't really make myself believe that. i just don't understand a lot of things anymore. i guess that's a good thing? maybe this is just remnants of the up-and-down, legalistic, shell of a person i was. most likely. i just don't want to be boring. i don't want anyone to get bored with me. people look at me like i have it all together. i am getting married in 5 months, i know what i want to do for the most part, people think i'm pretty, i have a fun style and cool music.. whatever. i just don't want to be that girl that's empty inside. i don't actually think i'm empty i think i may just be a little burned out from my hectic schedule. luckily its spring break this week. unluckily, i have to work a lot.

well, i feel better. thanks for listening, Internet.

wilderness

infinity is not a suburb

a production of machines

not a pointless mess of mass

nor a random act of genes

infinity is a house

where planets reconvene

they tend our tender gardens

and weave our woven inbetweens

they prepare for us a meal

a glorious cuisine

of light and sky and vast expanse

so we can think, create, and dream

but i yelled into the wilderness

I CAN'T FEEL A THING

are we just an accident?

a lonely figurine?

get me out of this dirty place

i wish to be clean

but the sky just smiled down with that everlasting gleam,

and melted into night the way i fade out of my dreams

in the wilderness i stood

like the loneliest of beings

but in that quiet moment i realized

here is everything i need

qiquyaliqsuq

i am amazed by the crime of not touching the Earth
oh the disgrace of not feeling the dirt
a scandalous world with scandalous creatures
davy jones' cynics and hot air balloon preachers
we're stapled together and we're filed away
breathing the lies daddy failed to slay
we all scream PEACE but haven't got a clue
what it means to give that homeless man your thirty dollar shoes
you wear it on your t-shirts, it dangles form your neck
but what you fail to realize is how much you cold affect
every seven seconds that you sit here,
a child dies from hunger
but everyone ignores that great big pressure we're all under
and until you sacrfice yourself you will not feel the release
there is no drug in this universe that fills our need for peace
you think you get dirty but you've never felt the dirt
you think you are hearing but you've never heard a word,

of truth.

perspectivization

what, why, and who are we
dancing fools on renaissance stools
drunk on wine older than twine
still coasting on ancient revolutions
still boasting of ancient solutions
answer me this, mr. smith,
do you feel fulfilled, satisfied?
drinking bathwater of Newton that's long been dry?
ten fingers, ten toes, and unexplored souls
infinite expanse severely unknown
combine our eyesight and what do you have?
a pixel, a speck, a stagnant laugh.

i found you at inifinty

from miles high does my skin gleam
and shimmer as the morning sun shining
through the pearly gates reflects
this freedom swallowed me, engulfed me
like i too abandoned enlightening a crumbling city;
and i have if you saw me as such, that
i was a place and wind was all the road leading to me
i think of us more as west and east
colliding at every point and what
freedom is there in being both everywhere
and nowhere
but with such ease does our boat drift into these lost and tremorous seas
and with such grace are unseen ropes always pulling us back to bay
and at bay we are until love exceeds the brim and
melts the waiting, trembling universe

shoe box

the world must be a conspiracy
like i'm actually in a diorama version of the world
i have the wings and i can fly
but everyone is on the gorund in a crowd
and i can't get out
bodies are all touching and move as one
but am i alone feeling cramped and breathless?
am i crazy
to want to make a fresh exhaust trail in the sky?
they may shoot me down but damn,
i can't stand here waiting for the weather to change
i'm clear, i'm crystal clear
the world is cloudy but i'm clear
so take my hand and count down to lift off please

moved!

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