Friday, March 5, 2010

i'm thinking about venting more to the open space that is the internet. although, no offense Internet, you are kind of an asshole. you're really critical and sometimes creepy.

but, you are somewhat comforting at three in the morning when i have some things to talk to you about.

(as a disclaimer, Internet, i am hardly articulate and a bum story teller.)

so, i have been doing a lot of lurking. i wouldn't say that i do it to make myself feel better about myself, but i think i honestly want to understand people that make themselves available to be understood. (although in most cases, i end up being snooty about it, which is not nice at all. but i doubt people don't do it to me) its just like an escape for me. i can delve into living the life of someone else for a while. i can read their thoughts or see their feelings on their faces through pictures. i can put pieces of their life together and make them a story. i can figure out why they are a better person than i am, or why i don't like them. maybe its just curiosity and envy and i'm just masking it with something that would make me seem like a more hip person. well anyway, tonight i was lurking this girl and it made me realize some things, and this might sound weird but i feel like i both am and am not who i am. like, in one way, i am this girl, robin, who is living a really great life and getting things done and following the path i am supposed to. but, in another way, i'm this girl, robin, who i haven't been for a while because she's weak, emotional, and makes crazy proclamations about things she will do that she never does and she is insecure but yet maybe more in tune with her emotions? maybe she's closer to God because of her emotional carousel going aroundandaround? i just don't get it. when i'm this other girl i somehow either am or believe i am in this closeness with God and i trytrytry to do all of these things that will make that relationship stronger and it leaves me a mess that is not easy to deal with (me or others). i also end up confused and questioning everything. on the other hand, the "normal" me is strong and confident. she knows emotion but they don't control her. she lives a steady life that is always progressing and getting better. yet i feel like maybe i am missing something? like the emotions and questions and mess somehow make me human and if i am absent from them then i am absent from myself? but i can't really make myself believe that. i just don't understand a lot of things anymore. i guess that's a good thing? maybe this is just remnants of the up-and-down, legalistic, shell of a person i was. most likely. i just don't want to be boring. i don't want anyone to get bored with me. people look at me like i have it all together. i am getting married in 5 months, i know what i want to do for the most part, people think i'm pretty, i have a fun style and cool music.. whatever. i just don't want to be that girl that's empty inside. i don't actually think i'm empty i think i may just be a little burned out from my hectic schedule. luckily its spring break this week. unluckily, i have to work a lot.

well, i feel better. thanks for listening, Internet.

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